Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
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I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Am I having a stroke?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
