Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
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If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
shit just got real
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”