Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
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I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right