Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
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[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..