Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
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Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.