Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
You Might Also Like
(Musicians.)
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —