Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
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Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty