Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
You Might Also Like
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
scrabbled eggs
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.