Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
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Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
finally found a reasonable question
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
*Inspirational Tweets*