Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
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Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
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So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now