Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
the greatest twitter interaction
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist