Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
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I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.