Kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
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IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game