Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”