Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Artwork by Herta Burbe
May never get over this
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
the three branches of government
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.