Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
A small tragedy.
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At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
couldn’t resist
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”