Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Lassie, get help!

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.