Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
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Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..