Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.

So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.