Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

I’m crying im so happy for them

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

man i love columbo