Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

Room with a view.

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.