Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
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My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I am yelling
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.