Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

God making man in his image was the original selfie

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.