Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

Basketball games are very squeaky.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

A flock of dads is called a grill.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

Just had my nails done!

#growingpains

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me