Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
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*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.