Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes