Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
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none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
water it, i dare you
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
Every work call, he judges.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.