Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
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THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.