Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad