Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

My dad is at it again

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.