KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
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What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*