KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
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If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles