Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

he looks great for his age