Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?