Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”