Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Well, shit

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame