“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
You Might Also Like
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
wish me luck lads
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register