Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas