“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
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When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered