“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
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the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
The dark side of Canada
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.