Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
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[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Seems legit.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
i feel so bad i refunded him
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.