Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
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We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
#IWishIHadNever noticed
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.