Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
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Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”