“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
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Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Truly one of the great bangers
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.