Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
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When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
No Google it does not
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.