Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
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If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
We all have our pet causes.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops