Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

Sharon I have some bad news

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

Herpes is trending, good job people

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo