Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

Please vote for people who are attractive

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)