Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.