βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
You Might Also Like
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I donβt like this.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (iβm so sorry)
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, canβt wait to say βah yes i concur with your diagnosisβ
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wifeβs belly): βRemember youβre eating for two nowβ
Mother-in-law (smiling): βYou mean…β
Me: βThatβs right. Sheβs got a tapewormβ
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartenderβs attention.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing βmy novel!! my novel!β
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.