Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

“no gods no masters” = leo

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this