βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
πΆ I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
wife: [kissing me] letβs roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend youβre my daddy
me: ok
wife Iβve been a bad girl
me: whyβd u marry that idiot
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. Iβm up four pants sizes since January.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
This should not be this funny I am sorryπππ
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Ranch ice cream is why we canβt have nice things
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?