Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh deer

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.