Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

wow

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1635062988007776257/vid/1280x720/59_isJRyp2iBuh4T.mp4?tag=14

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.