βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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i cared about something onceβ must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: Iβm here forβ¦did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Motherhood is complicated because weβll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Lmao π€£
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldnβt have any
When your wife says βItβs up to youβ, itβs not.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found Iβm happiest when Iβm right!
me: i canβt believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried youβd believe it
βhello pretty lady.β [i slide down the bar] βwhatβs your name?β i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
βNo YOUβRE a nerdβ I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
emails from companies that start with stuff like βonly nine weeks left toβ¦β who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I donβt know what Iβm wearing to work in ten minutes.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I hope Iβm not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah Iβm probably not.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: thatβs my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
how it started vs how it ended
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I donβt even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write βTuesdays am I right fellasβ and if nobody says βyou said it brotherβ then I know itβs not Tuesday
Me: πΆ Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away πΆ
Optometrist: βYou need glasses.β
Iβm dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
ππ€£
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* youβve come to the right place