Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing