Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear