“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”