Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try, poison.

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

me when somebody idk start touching me

We avoided this particular disaster

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.