Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Anyone want a chair?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
a lot to unpack here
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.