Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I identify as an antique shop.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?