Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him: