Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
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When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow