Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
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I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Worth a try
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“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
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Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
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REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it