Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?