Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

It kinda feels like this rn

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

I camp so other people don’t have to.

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.