KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
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I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK