Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production