Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

True story 🤣

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

I remember when things only cost an arm.

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

How actors in movies eat their food

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit