Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%