Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.