Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Duck typos.

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.