Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.