Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout