[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
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I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Yoga Matt
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up