Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.