Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

She might be a genius

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

best first i’ve ever seen

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”