Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
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I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Check your privilege
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.