Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

per my last wtf

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.