Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
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The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Important
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I am patiently waiting for your email
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.