Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
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Finished stitching this today 😇
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
this is the kind of friend i am
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Voodoo map
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
peeing after esex so i don’t get an hdmi
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
