Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
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My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
