Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.