Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I enjoy a good short stor
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.